Fentanyl Patriot

Wave goodbye to garden-variety tweakers and say hello to the chemically enlightened Fentanyl Patriot—our star-spangled mascot for when rock bottom needs a commemorative sticker. With his all-American sniff-test technique and budget-bin Old Glory tee, he proudly proclaims that opioids didn’t ruin the party; they just gave it a punchline. Slap this beauty on your toolbox, gas-station bathroom mirror, or municipal “Drug-Free Zone” sign and watch onlookers question both your morals and their life choices. After all, nothing screams “land of the free” like a slogan that makes meth heads seem quaint.